Ahh, Starbucks. For many people, the name brings up images of a nice steaming cup of coffee and the morning newspaper. However, this image is precisely what Starbucks wants, because what most people don’t know is that the international coffeeshop chain is brainwashing the American people.

Yes, you heard me right, the chain that we have all grown to love is brainwashing us. But, if you think about it, it all makes perfect sense. Starbucks has overpriced coffee, tiny closet-sized locations, annoying music, and uncomfortable chairs. But we put up with all of it just because that four-dollar cup of coffee tastes so good.

So how exactly is the company brainwashing us? I have spent countless hours in several locations, trying to figure this out while taking a drink of my Mocha Frappuccino. I couldn’t quite figure out how Starbucks was turning us into mindless, coffee-drinking zombies, but I narrowed it down to two things.

First, there’s the coffee. Yes, the expensive coffee that in reality has a mediocre taste. But because the general population has been brainwashed, it seems to have a great taste, and they will do anything to get their hands on a cup in the morning. The other possibility is the music. Yes, the music that they play so loudly in every location. The music that gets annoying after 15 minutes. There may be subliminal messages hidden in the music, why else would they play the same genre of music?

There are also several reasons why Starbucks would want to brainwash us. First off, they get their own personal coffee-drinking zombie army. Second, the profits from all of those people buying coffee and pastries go towards the company, offsetting how much it costs to brainwash the world. And third, brainwashing people is so much easier than forcing them to do things that they don’t want to do.

This is all compelling evidence, but what do we do about it? Boycott Starbucks, of course! Go to other lesser coffeehouses, like McDonald’s, and you’ll save money and time, although the taste won’t be the same. You could also refrain from drinking coffee completely, and drink other caffeinated drinks.

Oh, but you say you can’t stop drinking the coffee, that all you think about when you get up in the morning is you hope the store isn’t crowded? Well, it’s too late for you, my friend, as you are now a complete coffee-drinking zombie.

With all that said, let’s boycott Starbucks! Hopefully we can stop the coffee-drinking epidemic that has taken over our nation for so many years.